“Since he lost his money, half his friends don’t know him any more”
“And the other half ?”
“They don’t know yet that has lost it”
Next-door Neighbor’s Little Boy :
“Father say could you lend him your cassette player for tonight ?”
Heavy – Metal Enthusiast :
“Have you a party on ?”
Little Boy : “Oh, no. Father only wants to go to bed”
A stranger on horse back came to a river with which he was unfamiliar. The traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
“No”, replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted : “I thought you said it wasn’t deep ?”
“It isn’t”, was the boy’s reply : “it only takes grandfather’s ducks up to their middles !”
“My daughter’s music lessons are a fortune to me ?”
“How is that ?”
“They enabled me to buy the neighbors’ houses at half price”
Country Policeman (at the scene of murder) : “You can’t come in here”
Reporter : “But I’ve been sent to do the murder”
Country Policeman : “Well, you’re too late, the murder’s been done”.
Artist : “That, sir, is a cow grazing”
Visitor : “Where is the grass ?”
Artist : “The cow has eaten it”
Visitor : “But where is the cow ?”
Artist : “You don’t suppose she’d be fool enough to stay there after she’d eaten all the grass, do you ?”
“Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?”
“That’s just where I want to go. Let’s work together. You go south, and I’ll go north, and we’ll report progress every time we meet”
“Did you have any difficulty with your French in Paris ?”
“No, but the French people did”
Newsboy : “Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?”
Passerby : “Here boy, I’ll take one” (After reading a moment) “Say, boy, there’s nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?”
Newsboy : “That’s the mystery, sir. You’re the fifty first victim”.
“What’s the idea of the Greens having French lessons ?”
“They have adopted a French baby, and want to understand what she says when she begins to talk”.
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, “Here s your husband!”
The man s wife says, “Where the hell is his wheelchair?”
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer s field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied,
“Well, some of them said they weren t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Sơn : “Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your garden”
Toàn : “That’s all right, my dog ate your hen”
Sơn : “Fine! I just ran over your dos and killed him”.
“Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults”
“How did it work ?”
“We haven’t spoken for five years”.
One of the guest turned to a man by his side to criticize the singing of the woman who was trying to entertain them.
“What a terrible voice! Do you know who she is ?”
“Yes”, was the answer. “She’s my wife”
“Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course, it isn’t her voice, really. It’s the stuff she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful song ?”
“I did”, was the answer.
“What’s the difference between valor and discretion ?”
“Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valor”
“I see. And discretion ?”
“That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day”.
Critic : “Ah! And what is this ? It is superb! What soul! What expression!”
Artist : “Yeah ? That’s where I clear the paint off my brushes”.
Gardener : “This is a tobacco plant in full flower, madam”
Dear Old Lady : “How very interesting! And how long will it be before the cigars are ripe ?”
Downstairs : “Didn’t you hear me pounding on the ceiling ?”
Upstairs : “Oh, that’s all right. We were making a lot of noise ourselves”.
“Don’t you agree that Time is the greatest healer ?”
“He may be, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist”.