“Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars ?”
“Sorry, but I haven’t a cent with me today”
“And at home ?”
“They’re all very well, thank you, very well”.
A wag asked his friend.
“How many knaves do you suppose live in this street besides yourself ?”
“Beside myself !” replied the other. “Do you mean to insult me ?”
“Well, then ?” said the first, “how many do you reckon including yourself ?”
“Do you make life-size enlargements of snapshot ?”
“That’s our specialty”
“Fine : here’s a picture I took of the Pyramid”
Miss Gushin : “It must be wonderful to be a parachute jumper. I suppose you’ve had some terrible experiences”
Parachutist (fed up with her) : “Yes, miss, terrible. Why, once I came down where there was a sign : “Keep Off The Grass””.
Smith : “I keep hearing the word ‘Idiot’ – I hope you are not referring to me”
Jones : “Don’t be so conceited. As if there are no other idiots in the world!”
Musician (after much pressing) : “Well, all right, since you insist. What shall I play ?”
Host : “Anything you like, It is only to annoy the neighbors”.
Adam and Eva were naming the animals of the earth when along came a rhinoceros.
Adam : “What shall we call this one ?”
Eva : “Let’s call it a rhinoceros”
Adam : “Why ?”
Eva : “Well, because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’re named yet”.
Country Cousin (after prolonged inspection of building operations) : “I don’t see the sense of putting statues on top of your buildings”
Friend : “Statues ? Those aren’t statues. They’re bricklayers”.
Old Lady (at the zoo) : “Is that a man-eating lion ?”
Fed – up Keeper : “Yes, lady, but we’re short of men this week, so all he gets is beef”.
“This check is doubtless all right,” said the paying teller politely, “but have you anything about you by which you could be identified ?
The pretty young thing faltered, “I have a mole high up above my left knee”.
“Hello, Phuong, I thought you were dead ?”
“Oh”, said Phuong, “they did get a story around that I was dead, but it was another man, I knew it wasn’t me as soon as I heard of it”
“Purely by accident, I have made one of the greatest discoveries,” said the scientist.
“May I ask what it was ?”
“I found,” – said the scientist, “that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use a fountain pen just like any other pen, without all the trouble to filling it”.
“My dear sir, you flatter me lingering to hear the remainder of my tale when the other passengers dashed away at the sound of the dinner-bell.” Said the longwinded tourist to his one remaining listener.
“What! Has the dinner-bell rung ?” asked the other, as he jumped to his feet ands dashed toward the dining room.
“So that is a popular song he’s singing ?”
“It was before he sang it”.
Host (doing the honors) : “And that is a portrait of me great – great – grandfather”
Visitor : ” Wonderful ! Why, he doesn’t look any older than you !”
She : “Where did you get that umbrella ?”
He : “It was a gift from sister”
She : “You told me you hadn’t any sisters”
He : “I know. But that’s what engraved on the handle”.
Overheard on the beach at a coast resort.
Small boy to his mother : “Mummy, may I go in to swim ?”
“Certainly not, my dear, it’s far too deep”
“But daddy is swimming”
“Yes, dear, but he’s insured”.
A good – for – nothing city idler had inherited a country grocery store. He was taking his ease alongside the counter in his favorite chair when a customer came in and asked for a dozen apples.
“I can’t wait on you to day” said the ex-city man. “Come in some other time when I’m standing up”.
Two men, who were visiting a Museum, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a placard bearing the inscription : “B.C. 1187”
Both visitors were much mystified thereby
“What do you make of that, Jim ?”
“Well”, said Jim, “I don’t know; but maybe it was the number of the motorcar that killed him”.
“Where any of your boyish ambitions ever realized ?”
Yes, When my mother used to cut my hair I often wished I might be bard headed”
Three proud mothers discussing their eight-year-old sons.
“I just know my little Johnnie is going to be an engineer,” said the first.
“Whenever I buy him a toy, he tears it apart to see what makes it work”
The second said, “I’m so proud of Freddie, I just know he’s going to be a fine lawyer. He argues with the other kids all the time”
“No question about it”, said the third mother, “little Harold is destined to be a doctor, Why, he never comes when I called him!”
Neighbor : “Did I bring your lawn mower back last month ?”
Indignant Householder : “No, you did not”
Neighbor : “Now what’ll I do ? I want to borrow it again ?”
A well-known Royal Academician who noticed a drawing of a fish by a pavement-artist asked the man what sort of fish it was supposed to be.
“A shark, sir !”
“But you’ve never seen a shark,” said the R.A
“That’s true, sir”, the man agreed : “but then, don’t some of those Academy chaps paints angels ?”
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb.
One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line : “Guess who sent them”
The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets : “Now you know !”
Head of Business College : “In teaching shorthand and typewriting, we are strong for accuracy”
Inquirer : “How are you on speed ?”
Head of Business College :
“Well, of last year’s class, six married their employers within six months.”
“I painted something for the Academy last year”
“Was it hung ?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it”
“Congratulation ! What was it ?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep to the left’ ” .
An artist famous for painting animals was motoring through Iowa, when he saw a very animated looking bull. Thinking he would like to take him on canvas, he got permission of the owner. In due time he produced an excellent likeness of the bull, which he sold for five hundred dollars. On seeing the farmer a year later, he told him he had sold the picture of his bull for the price.
“Good Lord !” exclaimed the old farmer. “Why. I would have sold two real bulls for less than that one imitation of yours.”
“I don’t like these photos at all”, said a client. “I look like an ape.”
The photographer, famous for his wit as well as for his art, favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.
“You should have thought of that before you had them taken,” was his reply as he turned back to work.
Father : “This is the sunset my daughter painted. She studied painting abroad, you know.”
Friend : “Ah, that accounts for it ! I never saw a sunset like that in this country.”
“I hope you are not afraid of microbes”, apologized the paying teller as he cashed the schoolteacher’s check with soiled currency.
“Don’t worry,” said the young lady, “a microbe couldn’t live on my salary.”
Wife : “Why do you go on the balcony when I sing ? Don’t you like to hear me ?”
Husband : “It isn’t that. I want the neighbors to see that I’m not beating my wife.”
In the window of an Oregon general store:
“Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?”
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On a Tennessee highway:
“Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
“If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.”
A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging a low fee and Santa Claus were seated around a table in the center of which was $10,000. The lights went off. When the lights came back on the $10,000 was missing. Who took it?
Answer: The lawyer charging the high fee because the other two don”t exist.
To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said ” I would have got you this result for $100 only”!